For most people, raising concerns that things might not be working in their relationship, or having their partner raise it can be very difficult and confronting. Then making a decision to seek professional help can be daunting. Often it is just one person in the couple that thinks it’s a good idea and the other person might outright refuse or take some convincing. For the Couple Counsellor, working with some hesitation or resistance is not uncommon.
There may be varied reasons that one or both of you believe that Couple Counselling could be beneficial. I see couples who are in the early stages of their relationship and are considering taking a commitment step. Moving from an individual to a couple is one of the biggest life changes you will make, there are many compromises and sacrifices, hopefully with great rewards. People often find major life changes anxiety provoking and negotiating living arrangements, finances, family commitments and social schedules can create stress. Ironing out these changes in a counselling environment can make opening up and communicating about your concerns and hopes easier.
Couples often attend counselling at other pivotal times in their relationship such as prior to making a decision whether or not to have children, once they have had children, when there is a change in someone’s work commitments, a significant move or at retirement. Irrespective of what the change is, for a relationship to work, both people must believe the relationship is of primary importance above their own needs. A couple who put the relationship first know that they will benefit if their partners needs are satisfied and know that their needs will be met as well. Whatever they want and need, whatever is important to them, must be important to you for the security of the relationship.
However, one of the main reasons people attend counselling is an increase in arguments. Arguments themselves are not a major problem, it’s how we argue, what about and how we recover that’s important. What happens to you when you argue? Do you become defensive, argue to get your point across, go silent, or want to run away from the situation. Our ability to think, reason and listen is very much compromised. When our bodies calm down we become able to use rational thought and talk through our mis-understandings. In Couple Counselling you are agreeing to a time to discuss topics that are causing distress in your relationship. Both of you should be able to function and think about the issue calmly and rationally before coming back to the issue and solving it or agreeing to disagree. This will lead to developing mutual safety and intimacy in the best possible way.
As I have outlined, there are many reasons people attend Couple Counselling, however if you are unsure that your relationship is at a point where you would benefit from counselling, have a think about the following 10 statements.
1. I no longer consider my partner a friend.
2. I do not feel accepted for who I am.
3. My partner is not responsive to my needs.
4. I feel emotionally distant from my partner.
5. I keep a tab on what I contribute to the relationship Eg. “I did this for him/her and it never got reciprocated.”
6. I don’t feel the relationship is fair.
7. I often feel criticised by my partner.
8. I often feel defensive in communication with my partner.
9. We seem to struggle with problem solving and conflict resolution.
10. I have lost interest in intimacy.
If you can tick any of these, Couple Counselling may be useful for you and your partner to consider.